style92 (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} style92) wrote,@ 2008-03-27 15:19:00 |
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Sad and frustrated.
warning, mopey emo post ahead.
I, uhm, am having trouble. I'm having lots of trouble with simple task orientation and getting things done. I'm having trouble focusing with lots of negative mental noise getting in the way. It's not a new problem, but lately it seems more intense and my loved ones are getting more frustrated with me and I'm getting frustrated with myself.
You see, various members of my family have been pressuring me to get a better job. And hell, I WANT to. I don't like working at Walmart. It's just... hard for me to do something like look for another job. I'm afraid of a routine change and don't know how to start, and mostly, I spend my whole day at work fighting myself. Drowning in negative hate speak from my own thoughts and being shamed and guilted by memories that force their way in unexpectedly and I can't stop it. And I just wanna go crazy and feel compelled to do something violent but with great force of will I keep that all down and focus on my task at hand and at least get through my day. So, on days off I still have to wrestle with all that but I try to avoid stress as much as possible, and looking for another job is stressful.
And I feel like I can't talk to family about what's bothering me. Those times I've tried... haven't gone well. A month ago I tried opening up to my father, asking him why I am the way I am, and he just used the opportunity to unload his frustrations with me onto me, and call me lazy and such. Also, I have a hard time putting thoughts and words together to express myself especially when understrain, so I pause when I speak a lot to try to put thoughts together and he gets frustrated about and yells "Say something!" and I can't because now I'm under even more stress.
As for my mom, I can't bring it up. I used to go to therapy when I was 15 but I quit because she complained about the cost to me. Another time, I told her about my mental difficulties and she thought I was making it up or something. And she calls people with mental difficulties weak and the like, so while I've been wondering for years if there's something wrong with me I can't talk about it. I can't talk about my day to day stuff, so I dare not bring up my darker episodes. Plus lately she's been frustrated with me for leaving college, saying how she can't make bills and she hoped I get a job that paid well enough to help out. And I want to do that, but part of me is resentful, because the way she talks it just reminds me that she gave all of her savings and retirement to my sister while barely wanting to help with my college and she was expecting me to support her.
And I want to move out and move away and be on my own, but she's just so handicapped and physically disabled and she needs help around the house and I don't trust that my siblings would help her so I can't move away.
And all I want to do is to do my writing and i want to do it so bad but my brain won't let me, won't let work for it or focus and won't give me a moment's peace. And in the end i don't know if there's something wrong with me or I'm just lazy like they say.
I... just don't know.
warning, mopey emo post ahead.
I, uhm, am having trouble. I'm having lots of trouble with simple task orientation and getting things done. I'm having trouble focusing with lots of negative mental noise getting in the way. It's not a new problem, but lately it seems more intense and my loved ones are getting more frustrated with me and I'm getting frustrated with myself.
You see, various members of my family have been pressuring me to get a better job. And hell, I WANT to. I don't like working at Walmart. It's just... hard for me to do something like look for another job. I'm afraid of a routine change and don't know how to start, and mostly, I spend my whole day at work fighting myself. Drowning in negative hate speak from my own thoughts and being shamed and guilted by memories that force their way in unexpectedly and I can't stop it. And I just wanna go crazy and feel compelled to do something violent but with great force of will I keep that all down and focus on my task at hand and at least get through my day. So, on days off I still have to wrestle with all that but I try to avoid stress as much as possible, and looking for another job is stressful.
And I feel like I can't talk to family about what's bothering me. Those times I've tried... haven't gone well. A month ago I tried opening up to my father, asking him why I am the way I am, and he just used the opportunity to unload his frustrations with me onto me, and call me lazy and such. Also, I have a hard time putting thoughts and words together to express myself especially when understrain, so I pause when I speak a lot to try to put thoughts together and he gets frustrated about and yells "Say something!" and I can't because now I'm under even more stress.
As for my mom, I can't bring it up. I used to go to therapy when I was 15 but I quit because she complained about the cost to me. Another time, I told her about my mental difficulties and she thought I was making it up or something. And she calls people with mental difficulties weak and the like, so while I've been wondering for years if there's something wrong with me I can't talk about it. I can't talk about my day to day stuff, so I dare not bring up my darker episodes. Plus lately she's been frustrated with me for leaving college, saying how she can't make bills and she hoped I get a job that paid well enough to help out. And I want to do that, but part of me is resentful, because the way she talks it just reminds me that she gave all of her savings and retirement to my sister while barely wanting to help with my college and she was expecting me to support her.
And I want to move out and move away and be on my own, but she's just so handicapped and physically disabled and she needs help around the house and I don't trust that my siblings would help her so I can't move away.
And all I want to do is to do my writing and i want to do it so bad but my brain won't let me, won't let work for it or focus and won't give me a moment's peace. And in the end i don't know if there's something wrong with me or I'm just lazy like they say.
I... just don't know.
